It’s hard to begin without an apology. It’s a preface that burns on my tongue and wants to be spit out! I never want anyone to feel the way that I do. That is why I write the things that I do.
Without Apology is my story. A struggle against a powerful inner voice that I don’t often win. I’m not willing to give up though. Too stubborn, too stupid, too relentless. Hmm, take your pick!
Kuro: kind, timid, afraid, sweet. The inspiration for Kuro came from my own insecurities and inner voice. Worthless is a powerful word. Imagine hearing it constantly. So loud that it overpowers any good anyone else has to say. It was swallowing me up until Kuro gave that truth a place to land. Maybe he was a way for that truth to get out of my mind long enough for me to breathe again.
Working with a counselor, I’ve learned that boundaries are necessary for self-preservation. Also learning that it’s okay that self-preservation is selfish. Go on, explain it away that taking care of yourself allows you to keep taking care of others. It’s a very true statement! But it can’t stop there for me. More importantly, self-preservation is important because you matter. Because I matter. Let that sink in for a bit. You deserve to be protected and cherished. That’s the end of the sentence. You deserve that.
Each time the inner voice speaks up, this is the sentence I use. I can’t qualify it because, admit it, we all make mistakes. I’m not perfect. If I deserve to be protected and cherished because I am a good person, what happens when I’m uncharitable and envious of someone? If I deserve to be protected and cherished because I am kind, what happens when I lose my temper?
Dasai is the voice of that self-preservation. The side that is willing to speak up. The one that finds treasure in the trash that I perceive. Since Dasai appeared on these pages, I’ve had a way to challenge the inner voice. And he absolutely kicks ass at it! My confession; I long for a real Dasai in my life. Someone other than me that takes care of me. Perhaps, when I learn to silence the inner voice completely, I will see this wish come true. But maybe, that inner voice can’t ever be totally silenced. I’m still trying to figure it out, and what it means for me. So, I’ll keep writing and I’ll keep baring my heart.
Thank you all. Whatever your inner voice tells you, I want you to know that I see you as treasures!
Cheers and blessings, Selina