Broken not beaten.

It’s like shaken not stirred; not sure there’s much difference, and yet the distinction does matter.
I’ve been trying so hard to be a better artist, a better writer, a better sister and daughter, a better coworker, a better problem solver. And a better person.

What we can’t control is how other people react to our goals. Or how they react to the struggles within their own lives.

It’s hard for me to view this from the perspective of a healthy mind. Bullying has long reaching effects. And when the mind has been convinced that the one damaged holds no worth, the ability to ask for help is greatly diminished.

I knew the ability to empathize was non-existent. She’d said it so often that she was either trying to minimize her accountability or her impact. One year felt longer than the three leading up to it when the attention turned on me. Where the desk phone sat was wrong. How the blinds were pulled was wrong. And I had absolutely no right burdening others by being sad.

It became a daily struggle mitigated only by COVID. Dakota was in the last year of his life, and working from home meant that I could be there with him. The promise had been given that we would not be forced back into the office. That promise was broken.

And so was I. Being your best self is impossible when you’re on edge from attacks you can do nothing about. She was in charge, and in line to take over everything. There wasn’t any place on that desk where the phone would be right.

To bring my best self back, I had to leave. The road to health isn’t easy nor is it short, but I love this road! Did you know that I’m an artist? I sure didn’t. I believed myself to be a writer, but I can draw things too! And with every attempt I get a little better. Failures don’t even hurt. They’re a chance to grow.

But the road ahead is now dark once more. A new office. New people. Yet, two years in, he is on a mission to prove that I have messed something up. I get yelled at, and answers are demanded of me with a cruel tongue. Two against one feels like more than I can handle when at every turn I have to justify my job description that has been altered by at least one of eight bosses. It is a form of bullying that I can’t bear anymore.

And the worst of it is, that once again there is nothing any will do because of who it is that deals the worst blows. Being the one in line to be in charge, there is almost no one willing to hold them accountable. With nothing that will be done, it feels as though I am broken once more.

It becomes substantially harder to give up when there is so much distance behind you. I thought it would be worse to fear losing all that you’ve gained. But these successes will remain regardless of the failures ahead. And because of them, I am stronger than I was. Maybe even strong enough to face these struggles with wisdom and compassion.
Selina