Not Her

“I’m looking for someone who isn’t so independent”, “I prefer the girls I date to be heavier”, “You’re really nice, but I don’t date people who have glasses”, “I like thin girls”, “If you were pretty, you’d be the whole package”

“Don’t be so sensitive, this is work”, “I don’t care how you feel, it’s your job”, “If you don’t come out after work, why would we want to include you on anything at work”, “I know why she’s single”

Too strong for a relationship, yet too sensitive for work. I’m not clear who it is I’m supposed to be. But I know that I’m not the person they want me to be. No editing, each one of those lines is something I’ve heard over the years. Though I wish I could forget them, they stay inside my mind as fuel for my inner voice.

“You are someone that cares about the job you do, and it shows. I think everyone should know that.” This was said by a coworker after she spoke up for me. And I thought, ‘yep, that’s me!’. …that’s ME. All this time trying so hard to figure out how to be better that I didn’t know there was something good about me.

I’m not the person those others needed. I’m the person I need. Goofy, bright, mindful, socially awkward, shy, and if I can find my courage, playfully affectionate!