Allow me to be real and open for a moment. Though what I post always comes from the heart, it’s rare for me to share personal things in detail. I worry. Worry that you won’t care to read about it. Worry that it’s selfish. Worry that someone’s recollection of that moment will differ, and I don’t want to diminish or discredit their memory. Lots of worries.

If it’s okay, I want to share with you something which has shaped me. For a short while, I was an insurance advisor. I was freaking awesome at it! I know, I know. Insurance has a bad rep, but I found a company that is passionate about what they offer people. I found a mentor whose eyes lit up talking about insurance. And I was awesome at it. It didn’t hurt that I finally had the respect of some people within my family. A respectable career with a guarantee of longevity.

So, why am I no longer there? The sole reason was because the office environment had turned toxic. Allow me to give a few examples. The choice of being a notary was taken from me. Though we agreed at the onset that this would never be asked of me, I would be a notary now if I wanted to keep my job. Because of carpooling, I was at work an hour and a half before the doors opened. I offered early morning appointments to help out clients who work 9-5. I was told not to ask to be an exception and have my hours changed. I only offered to be helpful, not to have my hours changed. I’d left the blinds in the internal side window of my office down not thinking it would matter because it’s a useless window and the door is open. It mattered to the point of being pulled into the office and talked down to for fifteen minutes every time I forgot to open them in the morning. I was told to remove the leggings I wore under a skirt because they weren’t “office appropriate”. The image upon them was a fully clothed woman surrounded by roses with Anne Stokes’ symbol (I adore her artwork!). I don’t feel safe wearing only a skirt, so the leggings help me feel comfortable in office attire. I’d hoped having a little of myself in the outfit would be okay. But I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot.

Dark thoughts became my every moment. I cried going to work. I cried coming home. And I cried every moment I was alone. I was letting everyone down by wanting to leave. There was so much pressure to be “successful”. Their definition became my cage.

Just because I’m intelligent enough to do it, doesn’t mean it’s what I’m meant to do.

I miss insurance. I miss helping take the fear out of something scary for people that have no choice but to have insurance. You can’t have a mortgage without it. People that came in with arms across their stomachs, left with confident smiles. That was because of me! And I miss it.

But each insurance place I talk to or interview with, I see the same office environment. The one that tore me down and left me in pieces that I’m still picking up. And I know that I can’t go back there.

Within the shards of broken expectations, there lies a strength. The tears fall as I write this today, but that failure has me cheering for the underdog inside me. I want to connect with people. And I want to believe that I have worth. Maybe I’m not strong enough to be within the insurance world, but I’m strong enough to be in our world.

Welcome to the phoenix within! I am Selina Elliot. Author. Artist. And your friend. The strength I found within the ashes is coming out artistically. I didn’t know I had it in me. And now I’m glad that I failed.

These images are the rough sketches of my next drama series, Definitely Not Disappointed. Almost all the work is done now. I hope that you’ll join me on the journey of family that Definitely Not Disappointed takes us on. It’s been a painful road that brought me here. And even though the scars remain, I am proud to have them as a reminder of the person and of the place that is in the past.

Selina